I got most of the Biblical wisdom in this article on flattery and love bombing from Christianity Now’s newsletter and podcast on Substack.
You can listen to their podcast at the end of this newsletter.
Christianity Now is a media brand focusing on timely content from the timelessness of God's Word.
Many years ago when I was in my 20s, I was in a place of transition. One chapter of my life had ended and I was starting a new one. I had just moved back to Ireland after having lived away for eight years.
My guard was down as there was a lot on my mind, I was only back five days and hadn’t even fully unpacked when I met a guy on a night out with my friends.
I wasn’t born again at this point, but I was a believer and had good morals and values. However, I was not prepared for what was to come.
You could say, Satan got me when I wasn’t looking.
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
This young man was extremely persistent. He used all his charms and manipulative tactics to get me to go out with him and to stay in a relationship with him for over a year.
I never felt comfortable about it, but everyone, including him, was making me doubt myself. I felt he was too young and didn’t seem to have a lot of emotional sense, yet he portrayed himself as being mature beyond his years. He was not.
There was some physical attraction between us which was probably how I got drawn in. Although, I don’t think there was ever one moment in the relationship where I trusted him fully. I always had a sense that something was not quite right.
This of course infuriated him as it made it harder for him to win me over.
However, he remained determined to conquer me. He tried flattery, but he wasn’t very good at that, probably because it takes a little bit of sincerity to give a compliment and I’m sure he felt I didn’t deserve that.
However, he would say things like.. “You give my life meaning.” or “You are my destiny.” At the time, I thought he was just being corny, but looking back now, I can see it was all part of his game.
In the mind of a narcissist, you are nothing. You are beneath them and should be honoured that they even chose YOU.
I mean… how ungrateful can you be?
Our relationship was long distance which gave me space between our meetings to get on with my own life. This was good.
Going out with a narcissist is such a burden because they demand everything from you, although they will never say that. He was always a bit moody, critical, and difficult to get along with.
But, he still wanted me, so he would act nice, even though I could see it was hard for him. He thought he was so special, intelligent, and amazing that I should be excited to see him at all times.
If I was feeding his ego, everything would be fine, but as soon as I tried to just have an ordinary everyday conversation he’d suddenly become bored. He needed the focus to be on him and I was to be in awe of him.
Honestly, when I think of it now.. how did I stick him?!
Below are some of the love-bombing tactics he used, especially at the beginning, but some too at the end to lead me into believing that he was still interested, when really he was preparing for the discard stage as he could see I wasn’t falling for his lies.
Some of the tactics…
sending red roses
giving chocolates and gifts
giving a huge Valentine’s card and teddy
giving jewelry
sending a romantic cd
weekends away together
meet the family
meet his friends
regular phone calls
being intense rather than romantic
He put a lot of work into love-bombing me and even though it did seem kind of nice as my ex-boyfriends had not been so extravagant, I couldn’t shift the feeling that his big bold gestures were not sincere.
…. because they weren’t!!
I know some people might read this and think it sounds so lovely and romantic, but believe me, it wasn’t because he had no feelings… zero empathy. It was all about getting me to marry him as quickly as possible before I could see who he really was.
I’m sure the women who got sucked in by a narcissist and married them can testify to this. As soon as they got married, the love and flattery disappeared, they had kids and for the rest of the marriage, they tried to get that attention back.
I’ve heard it a thousand times over by women who marry narcissists. The narcissist gets them and the woman spends her time trying to please him, but he is never happy and he will never love her because he has no heart.
He is cold and callous. He is not who he says he is, but to the outside world, she looks like the luckiest lady on the planet!!
Guard your heart dear ones. Don’t fall for the lies!
I know this happens to men too, but as I am a woman I’m talking to women here.
Flattery and Love Bombing
Flattery is to gain favour and advantages from others.
Love-bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and affection, often at the start of a relationship to win their trust for ulterior motives.
I definitely felt overwhelmed and not loved.
Christianity Now also say that flattery and love bombing undermine the authenticity of relationships. I agree.
Both tactics are manipulative, aiming to control another person to gain their affection.
What the Bible says
The Bible warns against the use of flattery saying it’s deceitful and potentially harmful.
Proverbs 26:28:
“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”
Proverbs 29:5 says, “A man who flatters his neighbour spreads a net for his feet.”
This means flattery is like setting a trap.
The Dangers of Love Bombing and Flattery
Manipulation:
Flattery and love bombing can lower a person’s guard, sway them into thinking positively of the flatterer, and lead to unhealthy power dynamics.
Insincerity:
These behaviours signal insincerity with admiration or love not rooted in genuine feelings but in an agenda to influence.
Dependency:
Love bombing creates an unhealthy dependency with the recipient becoming reliant on the flatterer’s approval and affection.
Emotional Volatility:
Those who employ flattery and love bombing may react negatively when their expectations are not met, potentially leading to hostility or further manipulation.
Narcissists are very angry people. Some hide it better than others, but at the heart of every true narcissist is anger or rage.
Not all narcissistic people are this bad though, some are just self-absorbed. They’d rather not have to give anything in a relationship, but they will give when required.
They may be aloof too but they are not all malicious like that man I went out with years ago.
“A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbours deceit.”
— Proverbs 26:24
Biblical guidelines for resilience
The Bible offers strategies to resist manipulation and deceit
Seek discernment - “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient.” (Eph. 5:6)
Have integrity - so you won’t be swayed by insincere praise.
Foster genuine relationships - this will protect you against the attacks of the enemy.
Do not crave validation - if you can validate yourself and be content being loved by God you will not fall prey to manipulators and controllers games.
Stay true to your values - when you know who you are In Christ and what you stand for these liars will not even try to reel you into their wicked traps.
Thank you for listening!
Flattery and Love-Bombing: Manipulative Tactics Used by Narcissists & What The Bible Says About Guarding Against Them