Hi everyone!
I want to share this message with all my subscribers because Christmas can be an emotional time, especially for men and women who have been dating for a while and the future looks uncertain.
You might feel pressured to move the relationship along, but be careful because if it is not done correctly, it could end in tears.
I’m sharing my experience with you because it’s very sad when relationships end this way.
Two people who love each other break up because of poor communication.
I had two very painful breakups in my life where I was left hurt and confused.
I want to share this so you don’t have to go through what I went through.
First of all, what is an ultimatum?
It’s “a threat saying that if someone does not do what you want by a particular time, you will do something to punish them.”
—Longman Dictionary
When is an ultimatum a good thing?
Not all ultimatums are bad. They can be useful in more destructive relationships.
For example, if a partner’s behavior is harmful or dangerous, such as excessive drinking, drug use, gambling, or engaging in fraud.
In cases like these, ultimatums can be helpful in bringing about change.
Why ultimatums destroy a relationship
They destroy a relationship because it is a manipulative tactic followed by a punishment. There is nothing loving about it.
An ultimatum is a surface level solution to a long term problem. It avoids the real issues in the relationship.
Ultimatums are usually given in dead-end relationships. If you have to give an ultimatum, then there is a big problem in the relationship.
Coercing your partner to do what you demand is a recipe for disaster. It’s unfair and does not communicate love. If feels like a threat and puts pressure on your partner.
It harms the relationship because:
it breaks trust
the person receiving it loses respect for you
it harbors resentment
it leads to future anger and control
it only creates a short-term solution
Ultimatums betray the intimacy of the relationship.
A better solution would be to establish an emotional connection and try to get on the same page.
When people issue an ultimatum they feel powerless. They don’t know what else to do. They are driven by anger, frustration, and helplessness.
They do it to feel more powerful, but it’s not a good idea as it usually backfires on them.
If your partner does this to you, stand up for yourself and see if you can get them to tell you what they want, then at least you have something you can consider.
Here are some things to consider…
What are your values?
How do they see the relationships going forward and are you in agreement with that?
My Story
I had two relationships that ended because I was given an ultimatum.
I suffered in silence.
My family and friends would say, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t commit?”
It was a difficult, lonely time as no one seemed to have the right answers to my questions. And the men had shut down emotionally.
Giving an ultimatum is quite a cruel thing to do to someone you say you love, but I also understand that they were not equipped emotionally to have a conversation with me about what I was doing or not doing that was upsetting them.
I had no idea. One day we’re happy and getting on great and the next, they are saying, “It’s this or else.”
Or else what?
I was confused.
This happened before I was born again. I believed in God but I did not follow all the principles of the Bible, if I had, I could have spared myself a lot of heartache.
After these two relationships, I vowed never to put myself through that pain again and I didn’t. I made a decision to find out what was the dysfunction in me and the men I was meeting, and how could I heal.
As I don’t want others to have to go through as much pain as I did, I want to be honest about what happened and how hurtful it was for me.
If you gave in to an ultimatum, you probably found yourself in a controlling relationship. It can be dangerous to say yes to a demand like this.
Why?
Because it breaks the trust and love in the relationship.
If someone has to force you to marry them, by making threats, then you can’t really call it love.
I knew what I had to face when these men did this to me.
I had two options only. Do as they say or let it end.
There was no in-between ground for discussion. Instead, I was punished because I didn’t do what they wanted me to do, even though I didn’t know exactly what they wanted me to do. After all, they never said it.
One said, “Do you want me or not?” I tried to answer with, “Well…” but I was stopped. “No, I want an answer, yes or no. I am here, do you want me?”
I was somehow supposed to know what he wanted.
What happens in situations like these is one person is ready to move the relationship to the next level but the other one doesn’t think they are at that stage.
So without telling me, how would I know what they wanted?
There was nothing on the table. No pathway that I could consider walking towards. It was senseless and quite insulting to my intelligence.
I know this is usually more common where the woman is putting the pressure on the man, but let me tell you, ladies, this is not going to work for you.
It’s manipulation and it is not kind.
So pray to God and find a more loving, creative way to bring your partner around to the idea of spending his life with you.
These are huge life-changing decisions. They take time, so to force someone to make a decision on the spot is selfish.
However, the person giving the ultimatum does feel powerless and frustrated.
But when we act out of anger or frustration it makes it impossible to have a loving dialogue with our partner.
And when someone receives an ultimatum, they lose respect for you because they see how little you value them.
Everyone has free will and if that is taken from them, they will feel disempowered and resentful.
We all want to be free to make our own choices.
If you lose that for the relationship then you have lost your own soul.
Only someone with low self-esteem would surrender to an ultimatum.
If you have done this, don’t be hard on yourself, but you may have to start setting boundaries in your relationship if they are still using these manipulative tactics any time you step out of line.
You may be a young Christian or someone who is growing in your faith but does not know what to do in these situations.
The right way and the best way for believers is to not be sexually active before marriage. This way, you will not get as emotionally attached which clouds your critical thinking. Also, it is not God’s will.
God puts these things in place to protect us. He knows what’s best for us.
So, be careful if your partner gives you an ultimatum.
And if you are considering giving an ultimatum to your partner, think carefully before you do it.
If you want to keep them, it might be wise to find a better way of communicating.
Thanks for listening to episode # 31 of The Narrow Gate Podcast.
Have a blessed Christmas. :) x
Here's Why Giving An Ultimatum Is Not a Good Idea if You Want to Get Your Partner to Marry You and Build a Loving Relationship